i heart mimi

In the true spirit of weekend laziness, I’ve asked my pal over at Why Is Daddy Crying? to pen a guest post for me. On any topic he chooses. Which, in retrospect, was dangerous. Nothing is off limits for this dude/dad. He writes about the sex diet his wife has inflicted on him, his childrens’ obsession with public toilets, and a slew of topics many would never even touch. And just when you think he’s a total ass, he brings it back around and says something really amazing. His heart is revealed in every post, and his family is his heart. If you don’t already know him, you’re going to love this guy.

Oh. And he has really tiny eyelashes.



Only Time Will Tell

“Mommy, Grayson’s daddy is like a big kid!”

Those were the words from our son’s friend awhile back, after he spent a few hours with our family on a playdate. I thought about tying his shoelaces together, pushing him down, then giving the high-sign to my Ninja wedgie-master son to go to town on him.

But then it hit me … wait … that’s actually a freakin’ compliment. I think …

Since my nippers were born, I’ve always been sarcastic around them. It’s part of my warped personality. Probably more of a defense mechanism than anything since I get nervous around large groups of people and just start acting stupid in hopes some smiles get cranked-up and kickass first impressions are made.

My humor is toned down a tiny bit around the kids. I don’t point out people in Target who have me thinking, “Holy bajeebers! What in all things schnikies is that dude thinking by wearing his Snuggie in public?” I don’t let them hear me say things to my wife like, “You know … I’ve been thinking … we really should start introducing barn animals into our sex life.” And by all means, I definitely don’t let them see me bust into the bedroom after a shower and disgust my wife with a not-so-sexy striptease while singing R. Kelly’s “Bump ‘n’ Grind.”

“My mind’s telling me nooooo!!! but my body MY BODY!!!” … It gets far worse from there.

But I do love to walk through a parking lot and wrap my leg around back, kick my son in the butt then look at him and say, “Did you see that guy kick you?” Or explain to my kids that not only do I know EVERYTHING they do all day, but I also meet Santa and the Tooth Fairy for coffee once a week. Or I put ice cream in front of them and inform them they’re only allowed to sniff it and watch it melt.

I freak some parents out with my humor around their kids. “Now little Jeffery, you know Grayson and Macy’s daddy is only being a Mr. Silly-Pants, right?” Usually when I get called two-year-old names, I start reaching for the shank tucked in my sock. But the wifey’s always there to give me a reassuring tap on the shoulder.

“Honey, not everyone gets your humor, or whatever the hell you wanna call the crap that spews from your mouth.”

“I call it ‘awesomeness,’ ‘well-packed holiday giggle phrases,’ or ‘hot-air filled with kick-you-in-the-balls funny!’”

“Sure honey … you’re a freakin’ comedian. Everyone thinks you’re hilarious. Hey, look! A shiny object, go chase it!!”

I guess my hopes and dreams are that at the very least, when my kids are all grown up, they will walk through a parking lot and miss the sideways kicks to their asses. That they will sit in an airport people-watching and get the urge to call me. And when they see melted ice cream, they will be engulfed for a split second in a moment from their childhood.

Most importantly, I hope I’ve sufficiently removed that level of seriousness about life for them that keeps some people from being true to themselves, their emotions, and the awesomeness that comes with being real and showing the world your raw self.

Only time will tell …

About Why Is Daddy Crying?
(Twitter handle: @whyisdaddycryin)
I’m a father, husband, runner, drinker, swimmer, obsessor of music, biker, and random tripper in public who’s often caught drooling and making a fool of myself. Born and raised in North Carolina, we lived in Virginia for eight years, and now Chicago is our home. Our lives are managed and run by our redheaded son and aspiring princess daughter.

In: Family Matters | tags: @whyisdaddycryin, Childish, Dad, Daughter, Family, Parenting, Pranks, Shank, Snuggie, Son, Why Is Daddy Crying?, Wifey. | #