I just read an essay called “The Hardest Thing,” that made my reasons for taking a break from blogging seem … stupid.
I have been under much stress. The kind that makes me tremble from somewhere deep inside because it has taken over my physical body. Several times, my daughter has popped into a room to talk to me at the very moment my tear-filled eyes have spilled over. I catch her sneaking looks at me, as though to gauge my mood at a given time. She is anxious.
I am suffering.
I want life to be easier. I want my marriage to be stable and — dare I say — happy. I want my daughter to not face the challenges of living with a disability. I want to not drink alcohol to numb my pain, and not take anti-anxiety medication twice a day. I want to be healthy in body and not struggle with food addiction. I want to not self destruct.
But I’m realizing the struggle is what makes us who we are. I said to my sister-in-law just a few days ago that I believe my daughter was born with a disability because I had my head so far up my ass I couldn’t see daylight. I had screwed-up priorities. I had a black heart. Now I don’t, largely because of her.
But I still struggle, every day, to take control of my life. To not let others shove me around. To do the things I need to do to find happiness. Above all, I’m struggling to live. Because so far, I’ve just been surviving.
I hope The Redneck Mommy doesn’t mind me quoting her directly, but her essay bowled me over. She said:
The hardest thing I have ever had to do, will ever have to do, is to remember to live. The hardest thing in the world is to choose joy. To remind myself that the scars we bear on our souls are just reminders of what we have been through, what we have lost. They shape us into the people we are today but they shouldn’t determine what comes tomorrow. No matter how hard life gets, it should always go on because where one joy disappears, another will appear.
I have felt recently as though life would not go on. It will. It will hurt and be painful and I will want to give up. But I will try to find joy wherever I can.
I learned yesterday that my daughter kicks butt on the Wii. I didn’t know that because the last time we played — close to a year ago — it was too hard for her, and it made me sad. She has been playing at the babysitter’s house. They took the time to teach her; I did not. I am ashamed of myself for that. I will do better.
For her, but also for me.
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I read that post today, also. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in myself and everything I wish I could change and/or control, that I fail to realize all of the other people out there that are going through things I cannot even fathom.
Hang in there.
December 10th, 2009
Yeah, I feel like a real jerk for getting so wrapped up in my own life. I have my daughter. She doesn’t have her son. Why are my panties all in a bunch?
By the way, http://www.sincerelyjenni.com is an amazing blog. You hang in there, too.
December 10th, 2009
I’m constantly struggling with the toll depression has prevented me from interacting with my children in the past. The ways I self-injured to deal with my inadequacies of being the “perfect mom”. I have come to realize, there is no perfect mom, there is only the one I can be impacting my girls.
Having a sister who is mentally challenged, I can understand in a tiny way what sort of stress you must be dealing with. All the questions about her future, her life, and how you must be strong through it all.
Know it is ok to break down…as long as you get back up again to fight. It’s never a futile effort. Hugs….
December 11th, 2009
It’s amazing how kids bring us back to the center, to find ourselves again. They have powers even they aren’t aware of. And I’m forever thankful for it.
December 11th, 2009
Hang in there! We all have times when life gets a little overwhelming. I’ve lost count of the number of times my kids have caught me (or almost caught me) with tears running down my cheeks while I fold clothes or wash dishes never mind the number of times that I’ve had a good old fashioned bawl in the shower. You are not alone! A blog is a wonderful outlet for these feelings because you get to share the experiences of others as they see themselves in your words and it can be a very healing experience for everyone.
December 11th, 2009
My sister has a son, Trevor, who also has Down Syndrome. Trevor is 20 years old now. My sister will be the first to tell you that it is not an easy road. She also feels that she is the person we all see now, because of him.
Who knows why the road is more difficult for some than others. It sucks to see people struggle, when others seem to live on a rainbow. I can tell from your blog, that you are an amazing woman. YOU need to realize that. When you look in the mirror, there is a strong woman looking back at you! You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t.
As parents, we all look back and beat ourselves up, for the things we wish we had done differently. The important thing is to do better the next time. And, you know what? Our children love us, and forgive our shortcomings. Isn’t that a minor miracle in itself?
I guess what I’m trying to say is, keep hanging in there. I have faith that you will rise above it all.
December 12th, 2009
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