My big fail.

December 31st, 2009

In August 2008, I had Lap-Band surgery. I chose bariatric surgery because I had gained 10 pounds a year for 10 years. I was in trouble. I felt hopeless. And I have good health insurance that covers such surgeries.

But what should have been the start of a better life has been a big fail.

I have lost 32 pounds. I have battled to keep it off. I have a long, long way to go. And as I analyze what has gone wrong, I have come up with a number of answers:

1.) I have been secretive and have not told the people who could be most supportive. Close friends – people with whom I share my innermost thoughts – don’t know about my Lap-Band. I am embarrassed that I needed weight-loss surgery to stop an out-of-control train. I am even more embarrassed that I have had such poor results.

2.) I didn’t understand before surgery that the biggest change that needed to occur would be inside my own head. Because I can eat all the right foods and hit the gym every day, but if I keep thinking of myself as a disappointment – as inadequate – I will never succeed. I will always sabotage myself. I put on a good show for the world, but I have major self-esteem issues.

3.) I have avoided accountability. I don’t attend support group meetings. I roll my eyes at the thought of acquiring a “buddy” from a list provided by my surgeon’s office. I avoid food-journaling, dietician visits, and even routine checkups like the plague. I am not good at processing criticism, therefore I avoid situations in which I will be judged.

So what do I do? How do I fix this problem? Not sure. But I think a good start is talking about it. That’s my new approach. If it hurts, blog it. If it’s embarrassing, clench teeth and type.

I also visited my bariatric surgeon’s office this morning. It was the first time I had been there since May. Back before my world exploded, and before I experienced The Worst Summer and Autumn of My Life.

I went in expecting a major dose of “get-your-shit-together,” and came out feeling better. I sat on the exam table and bawled my eyes out, and my surgeon listened. I rambled about how frustrated I’ve been by an injury that has impeded my ability to exercise. He listened about my struggles with anxiety and emotional eating. And he heard me say that I just don’t feel like the Lap-Band was the right choice; I want a do-over.

Then he told me I couldn’t get my band adjusted today — in other words, tightened to give me more restriction in the amount of food I can eat — because he thinks there may be a problem with it. Instead, I get a barium swallow — a test to determine if something is wrong. Yay.

But I was struck because I’ve been beating the crap out of myself for months, and all along there may have been a technical difficulty. I hate that I punish myself.

I will find out January 28. Until then, I will keep trying. To reframe. To eat better. And to figure out a solution to this injury that is so very frustrating.

So there you go. My big fail, revealed.

I guess now that I’m out, I can talk about it freely, and will be happy to answer questions. Don’t be scared away if you’re thinking of getting a Lap-Band; I don’t regret that I did it. For the first time EVER, I have kept off weight that I lost. I was never able to do that before.

The road ahead is long, but I’m on the road. That’s what matters. I just need to get my ass moving again.

Literally and figuratively.

–Mimi

In: My Unsolicited Opinion | tags: Bariatric surgery, Embarrassed, Emotional eating, Exercise, Fail, Lap-Band, Trying, Weight loss. | #

9 Comments, Comment or Ping

Deb

Brave brave brave — that’s what I think you are. For telling us you had the surgery. for telling us it was a fail (for whatever reasons). for realizing you have accomplished something!

And for still going for what you want.

Brave.

@debworks

January 2nd, 2010
CarrieJ

You are taking the first step by talking about it! I am notorious for holding shit inside. The last sentence on number 2 … so me!
Hopefully you will find out that you haven’t “failed” as much as you have been sabotaged. And hey! If there is something wrong with the band, then that means you have been kicking ass all by yourself! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

January 2nd, 2010
Erin

Just came across your blog through Twitter. I love that you list the three reasons you think this hasn’t been successful. So, whether there is a problem with your band or not, it’s time to take your own advice: set up a support network of close friends and family, start addressing the way you talk to yourself and set up that accountability system.

Doing those things WILL make a difference in your success. I know this is unsolicited advice but I can feel the pain in your post and just want you to know you are not alone in beating yourself up and you don’t have to do this alone. People LOVE helping others–it makes us feel useful.

All my best to you. And Happy New Year!

Erin

January 2nd, 2010
Kat

This post brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly what you’re going through. I haven’t had surgery but, otherwise, you could have been describing me. The self-esteem issues, emotional eating, gradual weight gain over the years, avoidance of dr.’s appointments or other situations where I could face criticism………I know it all. I’m an incredibly private person that doesn’t talk about these things and only shows the world my “happy face”. I think that I need to do a little soul searching myself; perhaps I may even follow your path of “openness”. I wish you all the best in this new year with your resolution and good luck with those test results.

January 2nd, 2010
Mimi

Thanks to each of you for your kind comments. Your words mean a lot to me.

I don’t feel brave. I don’t feel like I have it all figured out. But I wanted to talk about my struggle, and I did. For that, I am proud of myself.

–Mimi

January 2nd, 2010
Jodie at Mummy Mayhem

Good for you for writing this and putting it out there. I think we all worry too much about what people will think, and for the most part, people can surprise us with their concern and care. So, I hope you have friends who will support you and help you get thru this. This is a GREAT first step!

January 2nd, 2010
Shelby

Mimi, I applaud you. This is one of the toughest things for a person to deal with. I included. I am notorious for saying “when I’m thin, or when I lose the weight, etc. etc … I’ll be happy.” I HATE shopping for clothes, even shoes. I feel like I’ve wasted 1/2 my 20s and 30s being fat. Instead of looking at all of the other things I’ve accomplished during this time. I agree, it’s a mind change. A new way of thinking, and I’m still working on that. Making myself a priority. You are not alone. I’m hear if you want to talk, bounce off ideas, etc. I will share whatever I find that helps me, as I, too struggle through this. I’m determined to make a new start. New year or not. Way to go for taking this huge step!

January 2nd, 2010
patty

OK, you’re on the right track. Seeking social support is critical to success.

I think you’ll like Craig Ballantyne, if you aren’t already reading his blog http://www.ttfatloss.com

Follow him on Facebook or Twitter (I don’t recommend both, because it’s so repetitive). He constantly reminds us that we must surround ourselves with people who celebrate our success and want us to succeed.

All the best to you!

January 3rd, 2010