February 18th, 2010

19 days


Wow. It’s been 19 days since I last posted. And I’ve had my site offline under the guise that I was doing maintenance. By looking at the site, it’s clear no maintenance has been done. Same look, same content.


I really just needed some time to collect my thoughts. Deal with some stress. Decide if I’m brave enough to be a blogger.


I am.


Sometimes, life is painful. And the natural instinct is to go underground and hide out when pain hits. And that’s what I did in a sense. I just had to stop writing and let my brain function in a “freestyle” mode of sorts, rather than one that was always translating experiences into blog fodder. I also deleted my Twitter account (which is permanent folks — don’t do it if you don’t mean it!). Because (among a slew of other reasons) 140-character thinking was driving me nuts.


I needed to step back, take a deep breath, decide what to do.


So here’s a recap of the past 19 days:


I got a job offer. For a pretty good job — not in my field — that I’m certain I will like a lot. The demand for writers in my area is exceptionally low, so I feel lucky to have any job at this point. The compensation is good, and I will be working with my best friend — instant bonus.


I’ve been to six roller derby practices, and with each one I can feel myself improving. Other skaters are even seeing it. That helps me so much, and motivates me to work out on non-practice days. I am trying things I couldn’t do in the first couple of practices, and I’m about to buy my own skates. Rental skates are the devil, and they carry a special aroma we like to call “rink stink.”


Weight Watchers has been … interesting. I lost 3ish pounds my first week, and then found it all again my second week. But I’m blaming PMS and expect great results this coming Saturday. I’m doing surprisingly well with the “points system” and really like that I can eat the foods I like, as long as I count them and control portions. The exercise is an added bonus. I can feel the shape of my body changing — my husband even said last night that he can see it — so I suspect some muscle is replacing fat. ::crossing fingers::


Oh, and my kids are still amazing, as if you had to ask! My older daughter has joined derby with me, which is so special. We get to beat people up together. And my little one got suspended a couple of weeks ago for smacking her teacher across the face. That was challenging. But we’re dealing with the little hooligan. It’s hard not to laugh, just because she’s such a little badass. Derby-girl-in-training!


Anything else? Oh yeah. Costco’s dog food prices are amazing.


Later skaters!
Mimi

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October 20th, 2009

There is love


Originally posted Saturday, September 12, 2009
Marriage is hard. Really hard. Put two people, who are most likely very different, under one roof for four or five decades and it gets sticky. Feelings get hurt. Identities get lost. The day-in/day-out stresses of running the family business take over where there was once laughter, passion, lust. This is my story. One in which a handful of very bad things have happened, sidetracking us from focusing on each other. And somewhere in the midst of our circumstances, this marriage of ours has fallen to pieces. We stopped talking, except to say, “Get milk when you go to the store.” We quit looking each other in the eye. We each decided it wasn’t safe to trust the other. “Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” We both just wanted to get through the day without a fight, without a crisis. Silence. Aching. Longing. We became like brittle timber, both of us vulnerable to burning outside forces that are really just destruction disguised as happiness. I don’t know what else to say, except that we’re trying. The pain is still very fresh. Much has transpired and we’re trying — with the help of a great marriage counselor — to figure it all out. It’s often a struggle to smile, to force happiness. We pray happiness will once again come naturally. In the meantime, we’re trying. To put our eyes back on each other. To create more family moments instead of just expecting them to happen. We’re fighting a lot, crying a lot, regretting a lot. We’re trying really, really hard to stay together. There are no guarantees. So we try to forgive and forget. We try to look forward. Inevitably, we question whether we’ll make it. In the end we both just want to beat the odds and make good on a vow we made almost 13 years ago — “for better or for worse.”

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